You don’t have to read anything, of course, but if you just look at the titles/bullets of each part, you’ll have an adequate tl;dr version. Mostly I just wanted people to see the first part. Please.
ALSO-- I NEVER THOUGHT I’D COME BACK TO BIRTHDAY WISHES ON MY PAGE OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS I CRIED YOU'RE SO KIND. I mean especially given the way I’ve been so absent on here, I didn’t think anyone would do that for me. I’m sorry I didn’t reply right away-- I was actually gone for a bit and things. But thank you-- so, so much.
So I've hardly been around the past two years, and here's why: I've been lacking good internet access, but I got a new computer now!
Long story short, I was using an ancient laptop (read: it had a floppy disc drive), and I pretty much didn’t do anything online because it was too impractical and sometimes impossible. Don’t get me wrong, the laptop served me well, it was just never meant for much internet use. But now here I am! I was dealing with psychological conflicts, some of which directly discouraged me from being active on here.
I'm always learning, though, and things have been coming together in my life to reveal problems I never realised were there, then lead me to new heights I never thought I'd reach. In the end, I don't exactly regret being gone for so long; I felt really badly about it the whole time, but I see now that it has put me in a spot to feel fresh and renewed coming back.
So much has changed: I had an epiphany on the same level as feeling happiness for the first time in October of 2012.
That epiphany was truly understanding love for the first time. I actually felt loved for the first time before I felt happiness-- it's what helped to build up to that point-- but I only felt and understood what love was in part
I always thought love was an impersonal sort of kindness-- something out of loyalty and right vs. wrong. I didn't feel this way in my own love, but it just never clicked in my mind that I could be loved in a passionate and personal way, myself. I didn't even know it was possible, just like I didn't know it was possible to be happy. It was really sad kind of.. realising this at one point-- becoming aware of the extent to which I didn't understand when interacting with my friends.
BUT NOW, AFTER SO LONG-- I've come to know what it is to be loved on a level that not only looks past flaws but embraces them as a shared burden, not out of any sort of obligation, but purely out of purposed desire. That love isn't just tolerating someone's problems in disappointment and disgust, it's feeling compelling compassion
and willingly helping them to overcome. It's truly caring
for someone under no rule or force but one's own personal will.
I THOUGHT LOVE FOR ME WAS BEING TOLERATED BY PEOPLE. I DIDN'T KNOW SOMEONE COULD FEEL COMPASSION FOR ME. I DIDN'T KNOW SOMEONE COULD LOVE ME PERSONALLY FOR WHO I AM. I DIDN'T KNOW I LIKE CAPSLOCK SO MUCH.
I just-- this is LIFE-CHANGING. This solves so many of my inner conflicts, how I still devalued myself in ways I didn't recognise, how I still struggle with guilt-- this changes my entire life, and I will definitely do something to commemorate this.
There's more to this that I'm not getting into because I don't want to go on too
long (and I apologise that I all ready sort of have), but there is one thing I absolutely must add: all of this came about in a profoundly... direct way. Like unconnected things word-for-word addressing my specific, deepest concerns kind of profound. So profound, in fact, that it was like a Person was speaking directly to me on a level more personal than I think I've ever experienced.
I said I'd finish my book, BlackWell, this year, so here's the news on that!
Now it'll be done either at the end of August or September! So I'm going to be excitedly busy with that. Also, remember the official website I made? vinnycrow.weebly.com/
It's still quite empty, but I ended up having some reasons for not filling it out yet; however, with my book being finished, I will definitely start filling things out either during or after that-- probably after, so around October. OCTOBERRRRR.
So as a general final note, I'm really glad to be back, and I'm really glad things are different now. I'm starting a new chapter in my life, a place I never imagined I'd find.
With the reasons for my absence (mostly) settled, and my prolonged distance serving its purpose, I'm ready to give my watchers the attention you always deserved. Thank you for sticking with me all this time; it means more than you know.
And I apologise for how much I ramble-- I just hope someone finds something helpful in it.